somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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