did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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