i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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