I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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