he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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