Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
