I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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