you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
