How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
