she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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