I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
