i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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