I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
