I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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