would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize