and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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