I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
