So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
