my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
