i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I want to be your penis for a week.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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