Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
