she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
