if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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