I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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