So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
