help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
