Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
