whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
