Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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