If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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