I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
