Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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