I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
