While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
