More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
