Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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