it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
