I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if only i could text you this smell
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
