ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
