dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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