Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
