I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
