I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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