honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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