there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
