sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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