i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
