I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
