my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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