Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
